The big "A" word...... ADOPTION

A few days ago, a friend asked me if I thought that Miss O was "just like everyone else her age". My first thought was "WHY??? Does she act different??" Before I got my hackles raised too much - I asked her to clarify... she was asking more about the developmental part of things - you know, the big "A" word! Some people don't like to say it, because they are worried about offending you some how... Quite honestly, I am rarely offended.... annoyed yes, but not offended -haha!

The Big "A" word... Adoption

Some days, my kids "forget" that they were adopted - and actually ask... it's almost funny when one says... "Was I adopted?". Whenever my kids ask that, I always add a few comments like their "egg was hatched in Ukraine" as well as the "you were CHOSEN". We talk about how we actually got to CHOSE them... they were not assigned, they did not pop out, they were not delivered... THEY WERE CHOSEN, and that makes them extremely special. It is so important for them to realize that there is NOTHING wrong with being CHOSEN.. that is the way their lives here started. Making a bunch of nonsense up and trying to add to any fantasy that they may have about their previous life is just asking for disaster!

We don't like to dwell on the reasons that they were made available for adoption... I will never lie to my kids and tell them something that is not true about their past. The boys and Miss O have seperate tales... their reasons for being here today are completely different. What they have in common though, is that the past that they were able to leave behind carries much tragedy. When they are MUCH older, they will have access to everything that we know - if they want it... that choice will be theirs.

To try and compare an internationally adopted child to an American homegrown kid is virtually IMPOSSIBLE!!! No matter how much love and attention you give - there is a part that will be missing - even though it may appear very small, it is there in one form or another. Just an example - Miss O is very well rounded and well adjusted. She has no memories of life in the orphanage. The orphanage/hospital is the only place she lived until she came home with us. In the orphanage, children were deposited into their cribs at night - no tuck ins, no hugs good night, no cuddling. Many of these kids learn ways to self - soothe themselves to sleep. Miss O had a method of rocking on her head and sucking her thumb. While she still does a little of it today, she has slowed on the thumb sucking - but can still spend 20 to 30 minutes of hard rocking on her head - making a real hairbrushing nightmare for the next day!!

My kids are about as "on track" as they are going to be... I don't compare them to others - or compares others to them... that would be unfair! :)

Happy Gotcha Day to Miss O!

Today marks an OFFICAL four years of Miss O being legally ours!!!!

Nov 22 - 2006 - Turkey Day

Two years ago today, myself, the hubby and Big Al were sitting in a small flat in downtown Kyiv overlooking Independence Square. It was foggy and gray and we were suffering from extreme jetlag and homesickness!


One of our translators, Era met us about 8am and walked with us Ukrainian-style (meaning really fast!) to the SDA (State Department of Adoptions/Ministry of Youth and Sport of Ukraine) for our morning appointment. We met our main facilitators wife, Helen, who handled alot of the paperwork and dossier translation. Helen was very interested in Big Al, and spoke to him nonstop in Russian.... he just looked annoyed and tried to smile... Era kept telling her that he did not remember any Russian. Era rolled her eyes as Helen pretty much ignored her! We waited inside the SDA for about 20 minutes until Era told us it was our "time"... we were reminded to take notes on the region and the childs name, so that we could keep our facts straight... we were told which regions to avoid if possible.... Our translator at the SDA was Tatiana, who was really young! We walked back into a small office and sat down. She introduced the social worker who would be showing us files while she translated.


We spent only a few minutes showing them pictures of our home, talking about Big Al (who was busy playing his gameboy!) Then they moved right into showing us files.


Alot of people have NO IDEA what families are talking about when they say that they were given a referral.... A referral in Ukraine is simply an 8x10 white paper with alot of Russian wrote on it with a really bad and usually outdated picture of a child stapled to it.


Our original request when we turned in all of our paperwork was a "healthy" child under the age of 3 with minor correctable physical limitations.


It was a true heart dropper when our first file was a girl, age 6. This little girl had a laundry list of health challenges and issues. Of course she was a beautiful girl - but it was really hard to hear the situations of her health and conditions. My first thought was that the SDA was only going to show us children over the age of 5, and with health issues. The next file was a 4 year old girl with bright red hair... I remember the translator trying to make some little joke about her hair as red as a fox! This little girl had many health issues as well. After seeing the little red haired girl, alot of my hopes were gone that our little child was not here...


The translator, Tatiana, had 3 more referrals in her hand... and for some reason, she had turned and the three photos were fanned over so that I could see the pictures before she was showing them. It was there that I saw Miss O, and I knew that was the one to see.


We were shown another girl about 2 years old - with another laundry list... then we were handed the referral for Miss O and given her information. We had one more referral, which was a baby at 14 months old. The only thing that stopped us from taking this referral was the information regarding a neorological disorder and a few other facts. We were given some time at the end of our appointment to discuss our "options" and make a decision. While the older 2 girls were tempting for keeping a closer distance in ages with the boys, and the 2 year old girls were tempting, the baby was decided against pretty quickly, due to the diagnosis and the fact that we knew that it would probably be more than we were ready to take on - we decided to take a chance with the little 22 month old girl in Zaporizhzya. It was not exactly an "easy" choice - but her referral seemed the most promising and had reliable information regarding her "conditions". After our appointment, we walked back to our flat, arranged to have Dr. Yuriy go with us to the region - and then we went to the Internet Cafe to find out some information about the "conditions" that were listed on Miss O's referral. Because our appointment was on Thursday, we were unable to get our permission to visit Miss O until Friday. The Orphanage Director would not be there on Saturday, so we had to wait until Monday to visit her.



For Turkey Dinner - we had McDonald's!! It is amazing that you can sum up one life-changing day in a few paragraphs!


Amy

National Adoption Month - ways to help!

So many folks are interested in helping orphans, yet adoption is not an option for them, due to all sorts of reasons... but there are so many different ways to help! I only promote organizations here that I have either met the people personally or "know" of them through my dealings with translators in Ukraine.
My favorite US organization would have to be the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation. Dave Thomas was the founder of Wendy's and adopted as a child as well. You can also give change at the drop boxes every time you go to Wendy's, which I always have my kids do - it is always an easy lunchtime topic of discussion while we are there!
I have a few favorite Orphan Support organizations that I know the people running them and have helped with their causes...
An Orphan's Bright Star (OBS) is a great group that was founded by other families who adopted through our CH UA family. It does some really wonderful projects!
An Orphan Smiles is a fairly new group - yet I have known most of the board members from other groups as well as through my friends in Ukraine.
Ukraine Orphan Outreach is a group from Northern Colorado that was founded by friends Kris and Heidi... Heidi is currently in Ukraine adopting 3 older children! This is an amazing group that brings over a group of older children each summer for a cultural exchange camp! Check out their site - the pictures are really encouraging!

You can also check out sites such as Reece's Rainbow. RR is a Down Syndrome Ministry that helps orphans with not only Ds, but other life challenging conditions!

A little giving can go along way!
Amy

National Adoption Month and Q & A

November is National Adoption Awareness Month! You will probably see it mentioned on lots and lots of blogs! I just wanted to take a few minutes to share some of my thoughts on adoption and share some of the reasons why we adopted!

Like most families, when we were ready to start our family, we put alot of things into perspective... things like how many kids, how would we pay for college, did we want to move somewhere that was more family friendly and had more opportunities for families... things like that. After weighing lots of options and choices, we chose adoption. Not that biological children were out of the question - we just decided that we would try adoption first. We liked the idea that instead of having a new branch of our family tree, we would graft on a new branch!

We liked the idea that these children were without something that we could provide, a loving family.

After watching some close friends go through the state foster adopt system, it was clear to us that we would not be able to emotionally go that route. We looked at private adoption - which had many risks as well as the huge financial and emotional toll. That was when we started looking into international adoption. We looked at different countries and started weighing the options each had, as well as the financial aspect.... it was narrowed down to Russia.

When we started to investigate the different agencies that did adoptions in Russia (and there were hundreds of them!) We found one that we seemed to like and that came with good references. After getting the paperwork started and learning more about how the process worked - things began to change! We were very concerned about the fact that the "referral" aka the prospect child that we would be commiting to would be a child we had never seen or spoke to or held or touched. This issue troubled us. It troubled us enough to change to a country where you did not have any idea of your referral until you were in country. That country was Ukraine!

You can read more about our first adoption trip by clicking on the labels that state 2001 adoption on the lower right side of the blog!

So - during and after the process, we had alot of questions regarding how these new-fangled international adoptions worked.. here are a few of my favorites - with some responses!

1. How long did it take start to finish? (note - our first adoption was in 2001, things change!) From start to finish, it took us about 9 months to bring home two boys.

2. How much did "they" cost? I always love this one! Because, if the folks asking would just change the "they" part to "the process".. those folks would get a much better answer! Usually, I would just smile and say that there was no PRICE to pay for the children - that they were free! But, in order to get them home.....

$15000 -agency fees, $7500 - translator fees, $4000 - paperwork fees, $6000 - airfare, $7500 costs while in Ukraine for 4 weeks.... 2 cute little boys - PRICELESS!

3. Did they speak English? ummmmm no!

4. Are they brothers? This one cracks me up often... as if I could answer and say "Why no... they are both my sons... but we have them call each other cousin"..... duh

I know that most people want to know if they are biologically related - but honestly - depending on my mood will depend on how politely I answer! :)

5. Why were they in an orphanage? This becomes a very personal question that I rarely answer - as really, its no ones business except for my kiddos. I don't give specifics, basically the answer - which is truthful is that they were there because they did not have anyone who was able to care for them properly.

6. What do you know about their "birth" family? More than enough.. why do you ask?

For folks who have not adopted before.. the above question/answer section is sort of a wake up call... there are alot of questions that are very personal in adoptions... though adoptions are many times a hot topic to find out more personal facts about someone... you need to put the shoe on the other foot... most folks don't go around asking questions about how YOU were conceived, or why YOUR parents may have divorced, what methods YOU used while giving birth, etc.

For folks interested in adoption, and in possibly thinking of starting the process... your best bet is to ask more questions about the "process"... as each different state, country or option will be totally different! There are so many blogs, websites and sources out there who can help answer all the questions you have! Children are essentially FREE... there is not a pricetag on a child, or a sale or a clearance... but the whole "process" is not free!

I'm just curious about other off-the-wall questions that my fellow bloggies have had about their adoptions... please comment - I'd love to hear them!

Amy