Thinking of my dad

16 months ago today, about this time, my dad passed away. There has not been a day since that I have not thought about him and what he is doing. I miss his laughter and dumb jokes; his sarcastic humor; the fun we would have while bantering over politics.
Big Al found this picture in his room in his stuff. He was with my brother in Florida golfing - one of the things he really enjoyed doing. I miss him every day and I think about what he is doing. Thankfully, my kids still talk fondly of him and some of the things they did. I hope that they will always remember how much he loved them.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today would be my Dad's 71st Birthday. It is so hard to believe that he has been gone for four months. We had a batch of brownies in his honor tonight and the kids (especially Miss O) talked about how much they missed him and some funny Grandpa stories! We sure all miss him! Happy Birthday Dad!

Heading back to Ohio

We are heading back to North Central Ohio to host a "shindig" in honor of my dad! Since he was not found of any of the words like , funeral, celebration of life or wake.. I am calling it a "shindig"! haha!

I will try to post some pics while we are gone! Should be interesting, the last time I visited relatives was over 15 years ago!

Three weeks ago today

Three weeks ago today, my dad passed away. In many ways, it seems like alot longer, in other ways, it seemed like just hours ago.
So many times in the last few weeks, sad thoughts have crossed my mind when I remember. The worst part for me is knowing that he did not die "peacefully" as most people like to call it. I know that my dad always sort of believed that he would just sort of "drop dead"! Like a fast and quick death, like a massive heart attack or stroke. For my dad, it was slow, drawn out and there was pain. He was not one that ever wanted to burden others with his "problems". He never really liked us seeing him sick or in pain.... he preferred to deal with that privately. Seeing him in pain his last few days just tore me apart. It changed my thinking and beliefs about the whole "dying" process.

Since Dad's passing, the hubby and I have had alot of discussions about what "our" wishes might be. It has surprised me alot to learn that we have different feelings on things. So many thoughts about what I would want have changed. I realized that when the kids are older (much much older!) that these types of discussions need to be had with them.... what would they want... how would they like to grieve... how would they want to handle watching or not watching the end of life process when I am to go? I have learned that regardless of what the deceased person really "wanted"... they are not here to argue too much about what is done! The living are the ones who have to deal with the emotions and grief and find ways to handle closure to move ahead.
My dad did not want a funeral or celebration of life... he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered. He got the cremation part, and part of his ashes scattered. but we decided that it was important to all the extended family that a "shin-dig" be had in his honor. I know he never liked solitary attention - but he has to deal with this one! haha
I also wanted his only grandchildren to have this event to really celebrate and show their love for their Grandpa... I think that a positive event like this will help them down the road when they are faced with losing another loved one.

Dad's death has left me with some resolutions to change my own life and how I live it! I have so few pictures of my dad with us kids... I know that I need to start taking more pictures of my kids with the hubby and I - even really silly ones. Pictures are such priceless memories! I also have seen where having some type of planning in place is so important... even just simple written instructions for someone in the case of my own demise.. at least someone would be able to see what I wanted done, even if I was not able to tell them. Talking about death more with the kids and making sure they remember all the great times they had with their Grandpa... I don't want my kids to have fantasy thoughts or ideas about how death works. Though we live on a farm, and they have seen death occur alot, it is not the same as losing someone you truly love! I want to try very hard to keep Grandpa's memory alive for the kids... the boys will always remember him, but Miss O is only 5.. her memories will be limited to alot of what she is told.

Only three weeks.... I sure do miss him!

In Memory of My Dad

To my Dad...
Our eyes can no longer see your smile. Our ears can no longer hear your laughter. But, our hearts will always hold your love and memories.

Rest in peace, Dad... and I hope that you are enjoying your "Happy Hour" in the sky!

In Memory of William LeRoy "Bill" Wood
January 26, 1940 to September 13, 2010

Monday morning update

I visited my Dad this morning. I was shocked that he was still "alive". His breathing was short and fast... not moving, very labored. Miss O and I are going to head back after I pick her up.

I think that his time has come.....

Sunday Dad update

Yesterday was another tough day to see my Dad... I was a bit surprised to actually see him "alive" when I arrived. I mean, he is breathing "sort of"... but basically in a almost vegetative type state.

Today, my brother arrived. I went over to watch the football game and sit with Dad. The hard part is that Dad's breathing is very sparatic. Sometimes, he stops breathing for a few seconds and you wonder - "Is this it?". I have had such mixed emotions. When he stops, I think, is that it - is the suffering over? Is he going to start again? Because he is in hospice, we can't do anything or have anyone do anything to prolong his life (another post on how I feel about hospice another time).

When the game was over.. my mom, my brother and I all gathered around him, held his hand, rubbed his head and arm and told him it was ok for him to let go. It was a tough time for all three of us. We hope in our hearts he could hear us and just let go. We told him about how wonderful he was, and how much of a fighter, but how tired his body was and his body could take no more.

Leaving tonight was so hard... but I said my goodbyes and said what I could to relieve my own feelings just a bit. Still, very heartbreaking. If he is still with us tomorrow, it will surprise me. I sure love you Dad!

Friday update

I found another picture of my dad with my brother and I when we were little! Brings back great memories!

Today was an incredibly tough tough day. I spent time with my dad this morning - basically just sitting with him while he slept... talking to him when I thought he was awake... just being there. Seeing him suffer is the worst for me. I know in my heart that this is not the way he wanted to leave the world. I know that he is in pain, and there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless.
His breathing is becoming more labored and less often. He moves very little and sleeps. Today, I could tell that we were so close. I made the decision to let his brother, my uncle talk to him on the phone using speaker phone. I felt that this might be the last time that my dad would hear his voice. Though my dad was fairly out of it, he had a real reaction when my uncle started praying for him and getting on his bible bandwagon! Seeing that my dad had some reaction made me decide to call all his sisters and have them talk to him as well. Though they were really hard calls to sit and listen to, I felt it gave them each a bit of closure and a chance to say their good-byes.

I know his time is so close... I hope that my brother can make it over here soon enough. My heart is very heavy.

Visiting my dad

Today, my Dad took another turn for the worse.. he is extremely week and can barely talk. They are put in a catheder for him a couple of hours ago, and it was apparently really horrible - so they really doped him up good.

It was hard today to talk to him and almost beg him to eat and drink. He is in pain - though on painkillers. Each day he withers away a bit more. His eyes have a hard time focusing and when awake, he will just sort of stare.

I read to him a bit out of the newspaper, but that too was hard. I can feel we are getting closer and it breaks my heart. Today the kids got to each visit for a couple of minutes, and thankfully - he was awake enough to acknowledge each of them!

Tuesday Dad update

Sadly, my Dad has been declining quite a bit. He face is extremely drawn and sunken and his skintone is very gray. He sleeps alot - due to the painkillers and anxiety meds they have him on. He has not ate much at all... just a few bites a day. I will be heading over to sit with him a bit tomorrow so my mom can run a few errands.

Each day I talk to the kids about death and what Grandpa is going through. It is very hard. I feel so bad for Miss O, who understands so little of it. She loves her G-pa so much. The boys are both very sad as well, but they understand more and are coming to terms with things.

Well... they doctors said he would have died by yesterday - and he proved them wrong! He is quite the fighter!

Sunday Dad Update

We all spent the evening with my parents having dinner. It is not the same with him laying in his hospital bed moaning and groaning 10 feet away. We all got to visit with him a bit, he was a little talk a tive, and the kids got to tell him about the Fair.

I found this picture in my album and scanned it... it is one of the few that I have of my Dad and me when I was a baby.

Saturday dad update

Visited with Dad today... my brother came over to visit and help my mom out a bit. Dad was ok.. real tired and cranky. He is not eating much at all, and only drinking a bit.
I have been doing some research on the internet about the dying process and kidney failure... makes me so sad. Hard to put the emotions into words. Tomorrow we all will go over to have dinner and watch the football game with him.

Dad update

My dad was released from the hospital today! The hubby and Miss O and I all went in and visited him before he was released.. he was in awesome spirits, had great color and was excited to go home!

I talked to my Mom, and he got to sit outside in his "lawn chair" for a while enjoying the afternoon, and was doing pretty well. We will be off to see him tomorrow!

An update on my Dad

I wish I had more positive news on my Dad. I am pretty bummed about his situation. I have been visiting him a couple times a day this week to check on him and give him some company. Apparently, he has a bacterial infection in the urinary tract. What is worse is that somehow, this is causing kidney failure. The doctor told me the other night that his time with us is down to days. What a gut punch! My Dad is VERY upset about the fact that the hospital wants him to sign all sorts of "End of Life" stuff and make those "decisions". The hospital would like to release him, but will not until he agrees to hospice care at home.... he hates that word!
I took the kids in to see him today - fortunately, he was in good spirits and talked to them... it broke my heart though to have to start talking to the kids about how Grandpa IS dying. The timing is pretty bad - with the Fair going on and school starting next week and then having to drop on them the fact that their favorite Grandpa will be gone soon.
Though my Dad has had YEARS of cancer and many times where we have been told the outlook was not good - I guess we just "assumed" that this time he might pull through... there is still hope in my heart!

Prayers for my dad

My Dad has had different types of cancer since 1994. First he had bladder cancer, in which they removed his bladder and built him a new one... he recovered and was doing great! In 2001, he was stricken with pancreatic cancer and told that his chances were not so good... a maverick surgeon in Seattle said he would try and remove the tumor... and he did! My Dad recovered and was back to himself! In 2004, my Dad was sticken yet again with prostate cancer... he went through surgery and ended up with a colostomy bag out of the deal and moved on with life! Earlier this year though, the doctors found that his cancer "counts" had gone up.... apparently, after the prostate cancer, the cancer spread to his lungs. His health has slowly declined in the last few months.

Today, I had to help my Mom get Dad up and into the car to take to the Emergency Room, due to lack of eating, drinking and weakness. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery!