Three weeks ago today

Three weeks ago today, my dad passed away. In many ways, it seems like alot longer, in other ways, it seemed like just hours ago.
So many times in the last few weeks, sad thoughts have crossed my mind when I remember. The worst part for me is knowing that he did not die "peacefully" as most people like to call it. I know that my dad always sort of believed that he would just sort of "drop dead"! Like a fast and quick death, like a massive heart attack or stroke. For my dad, it was slow, drawn out and there was pain. He was not one that ever wanted to burden others with his "problems". He never really liked us seeing him sick or in pain.... he preferred to deal with that privately. Seeing him in pain his last few days just tore me apart. It changed my thinking and beliefs about the whole "dying" process.

Since Dad's passing, the hubby and I have had alot of discussions about what "our" wishes might be. It has surprised me alot to learn that we have different feelings on things. So many thoughts about what I would want have changed. I realized that when the kids are older (much much older!) that these types of discussions need to be had with them.... what would they want... how would they like to grieve... how would they want to handle watching or not watching the end of life process when I am to go? I have learned that regardless of what the deceased person really "wanted"... they are not here to argue too much about what is done! The living are the ones who have to deal with the emotions and grief and find ways to handle closure to move ahead.
My dad did not want a funeral or celebration of life... he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered. He got the cremation part, and part of his ashes scattered. but we decided that it was important to all the extended family that a "shin-dig" be had in his honor. I know he never liked solitary attention - but he has to deal with this one! haha
I also wanted his only grandchildren to have this event to really celebrate and show their love for their Grandpa... I think that a positive event like this will help them down the road when they are faced with losing another loved one.

Dad's death has left me with some resolutions to change my own life and how I live it! I have so few pictures of my dad with us kids... I know that I need to start taking more pictures of my kids with the hubby and I - even really silly ones. Pictures are such priceless memories! I also have seen where having some type of planning in place is so important... even just simple written instructions for someone in the case of my own demise.. at least someone would be able to see what I wanted done, even if I was not able to tell them. Talking about death more with the kids and making sure they remember all the great times they had with their Grandpa... I don't want my kids to have fantasy thoughts or ideas about how death works. Though we live on a farm, and they have seen death occur alot, it is not the same as losing someone you truly love! I want to try very hard to keep Grandpa's memory alive for the kids... the boys will always remember him, but Miss O is only 5.. her memories will be limited to alot of what she is told.

Only three weeks.... I sure do miss him!